


Me, You, And Other Things That Aren't Real

by Artpressing



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Confusing, Cotard delusion, Falling In Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Solipsism Syndrome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-28 06:14:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8434777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artpressing/pseuds/Artpressing
Summary: They both think that Ryan doesn't exist, just in different ways.Or: In which Ryan thinks that he is dead, and Brendon can't prove that anyone exists and they are roommates in a psychiatric hospital.Written for Halloween.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Did I mention that I also write Ryden? 
> 
> Hi.

How do you know that you are not the only person that actually exists?

That you are not the only thing that ever lived, the mind that turns the cogwheels of the universe, this complex, ancient machinery?

 

Brendon knows  that he is real.

He is not sure about everyone else.

Everyone else is predictable, oh so, so predictable and easy, and their experiences seem fake, unlike his.

His mind is filled with a private film, hours and hours of memories, thoughts only for him, his own little world.

 

No one else matters; no one else is real, or if they are there's no one who can prove it.

* * *

 

 

Ryan is dead.

Ryan doesn't exist.

He doesn't even remember since when.

Everyone else around him feels more alive than he ever did, they have more colors, reds and blues ambers playing on their faces, makeup and bright eyes and blinding smiles; all that Ryan is not, he just grey grey grey; maybe he was always just a shadow of what he supposed to be, maybe he never meant to be anything.

He feels pathetic.

Or maybe he is just imagining it.

Or maybe someone else imagining him, and everything he thinks he knows.

 

He is a ghost.

Ghost don't deserve to have a consciousness.

* * *

 

 

They say he is sick and lock him up, but they are not real.

Brendon is probably just locked inside his own head.

He is still alone.

Always have been.

* * *

 

 

There's a boy in his room, or there isn't, because that only person that can be graced with the word _‘is’_ is actually just Brendon.

But the boy look gorgeous with his full pink lips, small nose and eyes gold as honey, and Brendon is proud of his own head for conjuring up ~~someone~~ something so beautiful.

 The boy’s name is Ryan.

* * *

 

 

He never sleeps, he says he doesn’t need to, because he already ceased to exist.

Brendon keeps asking questions, and the answer is always the same.

“Why don’t you eat?”

“Why don’t you smile?”

“Why don’t you look at me?”

-

“I am not here anymore.”

And one day Brendon stops and just smiles at Ryan; his words are simple;

“You’ve never been.”

Ryan smiles at him in return and mutters a relieved _'finally.'_

* * *

It's funny, falling in love with Brendon.

Ryan just looked at him for a second and Brendon smiled at him and Ryan was completely gone.

Brendon shines as bright as the Sun and every star in the universe together, but Ryan is just a dead wasteland, the dark side of the moon, a thought, a phantom, nothing more.

Like the Moon fell in love with the Sun.

* * *

 

 

Brendon feels like he is falling in love with a small secret buried deep inside him. 

Ryan is something new, and not only because he agrees with Brendon to a point, no, it's because Ryan is charming, but a bit awkward, mature, but can act childish, and is an amazing poet if he wants to be, but usually answers with short, shameless cheekiness.  

But Brendon is confused, they both think that Ryan doesn't exist, maybe in different ways, because Ryan keeps telling him the others are real, and it's not just inside Brendon's head, not something fake. 

Everything feels wrong and right at the same time, as double sided as Ryan himself, and they don't stop the growing passion, they don't burn down the bridges between them.

Ryan thinks he can't change anything; Brendon is sure it doesn't matter.

* * *

 

 

One of the nurses gives them a sharpie, and small pieces of paper. It supposed to a part of their group therapy, they are asked to do whatever they want with it, but it has to represent them.

Most people just tear it apart, Ryan doesn't even touch it. Brendon is more interested in the task than the others, and starts scribbling immediately.

When Ryan asks what he is doing Brendon just smiles, takes his hand and draws a small heart under his wrist, and plants a soft kiss on it.

No one sees that the words on the paper don't make sense at all.

* * *

 

 

It’s one of those days when Brendon looks just as dead as Ryan.

It feels terrible to watch, and Ryan wants to get away from him just a little bit, or maybe cheer him up.

He doesn’t know how to do it, he doesn’t know if he can make anyone happy at all.

They let them out to the garden sometimes, and Ryan is lucky that he can get out and get some fresh air. Then one of the other patients starts a fight, and he can slip out easily, without any of the guards noticing that he disappeared. He knows what he is looking for, and he will be back before they start looking for him.

There are no flowers in the garden of the hospital, but the street outside is lined with rose bushes and daffodils, and Ryan picks a few for Brendon. He doesn’t care about the thorns scarring him; they are not supposed to hurt anyway.

He returns by himself blood streaming down his fingers, and after a couple harsh words and an a few minutes of cleaning his meaningless injuries he opens the door of their room again.

Brendon looks at him questioningly, then speaks up, voice sounding way too arrogant to be coming from him “You bought me fake flowers?”

Ryan looks at him, and chokes back the “What did you expect from me?” and instead says:

“I’m going to get you real ones if we ever get out.”

* * *

 

 

‘ _Who is Ryan Ross_?’

They both keep asking this question.

They used to live in denial, but now they are inseparable, like two halves finally found each other, and a question hangs in the air, like dead men on gallows.

 

Ryan climbs into Brendon's bed at night, after they give him some kind of drug so he will finally sleep.

He wraps his long, thin arms around Brendon's waist, and asks the same question over and over again, until he falls asleep.

 

Brendon doesn't answer.

He doesn't know anymore, because even though Ryan himself says that he is not real, Brendon started questioning that he himself is the only thing that's real, and it's scaring him.

* * *

 

 

Ryan realizes that he is real when Brendon kisses him in the morning.

It’s not like they say it is, not something that slowly goes away, no.

Brendon pulls away, and Ryan blinks at him, and just knows that nearly everything that he has been thinking wasn’t more than a nightmare in his head.

 He doesn't talk about it to anyone for weeks, never says a thing about not belonging in a mental hospital anymore, because he is afraid that if they let him out he will never see Brendon again.

 

Then Spencer visits, he brings reassuring words and butter cookies, and Ryan tells him everything, how he feels normal again, and why he doesn't want to get out.

 Spencer just nods and tells him that he is not going to fuck up this time and is going to help him if he needs something.

Ryan says he is sorry, and he doesn’t want Spencer to blame himself anymore for something he has nothing to do with, then when he starts crying they take him away.

 Because yes, he knows that he is actual flesh and blood with real feelings and thoughts, but the things inside his head are still not pretty, and it’s much easier to think that he is the one causing pain than point a finger at someone else, especially his best friend. 

* * *

 

 

He watches Brendon slowly falling apart.

He is struggling with his own delusions and twisted ideas, and how he suffers from being unable to process the difference between what  he believes, and they keep telling him over and over.

 

One day he just screams and screams and screams, and Ryan just doesn’t understand.

 

Then then they trying to take Brendon away, Ryan tries to protest, and accidentally outs himself.

The nurse just looks at him, smile genuine, but somehow gross, and makes Ryan pack, before sending him to one of the psychiatrists for a last check up.

 

When Brendon returns Ryan is sitting at the end of their bed, biting his nails, and not looking at Brendon. He knows how he looks like and doesn’t want to see it; The glassy eyes, the split lips, and the purple mark the needles left on his arm; it’s probably all there.

Brendon kneels in front of him and presses their lips together. Ryan doesn’t look up until he tastes the salt of his own tears.

He doesn’t know if Brendon can be fixed, if he can ever convince him that he is not alone and never will be.

Even the doctors don’t know for sure.

 

Ryan suddenly stands up, pushes him away and heads toward the door. Brendon stops him, just before they let him out, puts a hand on his shoulder, afraid to move any closer.

“I would prove the existence of the whole universe for you.”

Ryan shrugs and shakes his head, like he doesn’t believe him.

“Then do so.”

Ryan leaves with antidepressants and the black sharpie.

 

* * *

 

 

“Spence?”

“Are you alright?” There’s concern in his eyes, not sure what to make of their situation. Ryan had been out for three weeks, and he had been progressively smiling more, but now his expression is grim, like he remembered something he wanted to leave behind.

“I think a part of me is still dead.” He says, voice monotone. Spencer opens him mouth, not sure what to starts with; He has a million things on his mind, most of them something he already said before. But before he can utter a single word Ryan sighs, and turns back to the coffee machine.

“I miss him.”

Spencer hands Ryan two mugs, and fixes the roses in their vase.

"Maybe one day."


End file.
